I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude i'm inner monologue high
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
