Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.