I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
