just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
