Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
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We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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