im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
