I faked an abortion last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
