I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
