Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
