my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
