So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
