HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize