My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
