His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
