I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
