Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize