Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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