I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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