Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
