Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
