Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
