I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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