he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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