So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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