Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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