I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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