Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
