I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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