I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
