don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
