Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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