Someone shit on the floor
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
