So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
