I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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