What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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