Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
tell me about the eggs
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
