I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
