There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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