My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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