The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
