I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
