You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
