Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
