If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
