he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
