she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
