i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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