When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
