She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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