we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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