I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
