Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
