I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
