I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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