I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
