only if we run a train.
done.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
