he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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