what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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