Quick, to the slutcave!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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