we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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